Don’t know what to say. Don’t know how to react. Wanted to congratulate but couldn’t muster a single word out. Don’t know whether I should or not coz of the uncomfortable silence that might arise. Really believe the quote by someone whom I forgot, that friendship between two persons is when you find the silence that might occur as something comfy, something painless. I think our friendship has really expired. It’s gone with the wind, departed with the passing breeze. Wonder how we would actually cope with the silence if we really did met and talked…
Maybe we not mature enough to deal with it or maybe its just silly me. I wonder too… well maybe something is better left unspoken of. Felt glad for the award it got. That’s what I think I should feel.
It’s strange why some friends can turn to complete unfamiliar stranger within a short period of time. Maybe nothing is permanent at all. All things change. Even relations.
Thought we were the best of friends but it was not proven to be so. Or it could be merely my one-sided wish. I don’t know. Don’t know what happened to us but the relation just changed over night. It’s so strange. We seldom even say hi or knowledge each other person. Maybe our pride got in the way and wanted to tell each other that we are doing much better than before. We can be better off without either party. I don’t understand. I can’t comprehend the knot that we have between us. I don’t know what cause us to be like that. Why can’t we turn back time to return back to origin? Why? Maybe its fate, maybe it’s destined. It wasn’t meant to be. It really wasn’t.
Maybe I should cherish the past that we once had instead of being so bleak. What has happened has been done. There’s no junction for return. Recollecting back the pieces, I can only start looking forward. I will remember you as a friend, I will.
You were my friend. You used to be my pal. You once were a companion in my journey. You used to be. You really did.
wx at 9/25/2004 10:31:00 PM
drop by someone blog. was shocked by its postings but was really asking myself should i have that reaction in the very first place. maybe i am just too emotive, maybe i am just too ......
i saw. i felt. i reflected. i thought. i left.
i left with sadness. i left with memories. i left with void.....
wx at 9/25/2004 03:40:00 PM
I don’t know why do I always have to give in. Why should I accommodate to everyone’s need? Why should I try to alter myself to suit others? Why? Is it because I try to put other’s interest in front of mine? Why do I have to change myself just because other wants me to? Why are they so self-centred? Why are they so egocentric? Why are they always so demanding? Why can’t they think of others too? Why can’t they be more understanding? Why are they so self-interested? Why can’t they be more considerate and more thoughtful to other people feelings too? Is it a lot to ask for? Is it too difficult to do? Is it that tough?
I don’t know why do I always have to help. I am not complaining but why can’t others help me too? Why is it that when I ask others to help, they are always so unwilling? It is because I don’t really deserve their noble help? Is it because I am not worthy to receive their precious assistance? Why is it so hard for them to lend a helping hand? Why should I have to put up a smile to face others even if I am down or depressed? Why should I be the one changing to suit others? Why it cant be you? Why?
I am fed up with this. I am boiling mad. I am livid. I am going nuts. I am going berserk. I am going bonkers. I am pist. I am incensed. I am furious. Nobody knows how I feel inside. Nobody cares. They are ever so self-centred. They are apathetic to other people’s feelings. Nobody knows my plight. They don’t try to enquire, they are indifferent to others. I need an outlet but nowhere can I turn to. I really want to scream but no voice seems to be coming out. I want cry but the tears have run dry. I want to talk but nobody listen. I want to shout out but I can’t even hear myself. What’s the point?
I am hurt and cut. I am in pain and agony. I am weary and drained. I am infuriated and angry. I am in aguish and ache. I don’t want to care about other’s feelings I don’t want to care about their predicament. I don’t want to feel for others anymore. I want to be cold. I want to be void of emotions. Don’t blame me for being selfish but blame others for changing me. I don’t want to harden my heart but I have no choice. I don’t want to build a wall around my heart and I don’t want to be wounded anymore. I am hurt too deep and not hurt too long. I am too tired. Really I am.
The world had lost its patina and lustre. The colour has faded and long lacklustre. The warmth is gone and the frozenness has dawned. The love and friendship are nothing more than empty words. Betrayed, hacked and slashed. I am too smashed and crushed. My heart has been trampled upon and my feelings have disintegrated.
I am too messed up to say anything less. I am trying but to no avail. Others might feel that I am crazy but I don't care anymore. I am cold.
I really want to protect myself.
I really want...
wx at 9/18/2004 11:04:00 PM
sight its over before u know it... going to get back some stuff that might not really like...
SIGH .....
wx at 9/12/2004 06:44:00 PM
With each passing moments, memories are created. With each fleeting seconds, the memory of you becomes murkier. You should not have appeared in my mind. You should have vanished from my cerebral. You have no place anywhere at all. But I cant. I can’t erase that away. I don’t know why but I really cant. Tried as I might but the mark will never be gone. Tired as I might but the stain can’t be removed. It seems to be forged there.
The permanent hurt and damage that you have brought to me is an insurmountable obstacle, which I cant clear. Cut and laceration is everywhere but yet I cant feel the pain. Numb by the ache, deadened by the sorrow, I am lost in the ocean of melancholy. The heartache you brought, the shattered dreams you caused. Blame you I can’t, hate you I cant bring myself to. Why? Why no actions can be done. I know not of… I know not…
Forever can be a lovely word and it too can be a torment. It can bring you beautiful times yet can deliver you with ceaseless agony. Forever is an absolute. Forever is a burden. Forever is an anguish that not all can bare.....
wx at 9/11/2004 10:55:00 PM
had a new theme song with the blog... dont seem to go with the skin but who cares...
can choose arvil lavigne complicated but didnt, maybe can have one every single day... haha
lame... superficial...
feel like changing the skin too... should wait and see... see
wx at 9/07/2004 11:33:00 PM
When you are slacking, the day passes by very slowly. Slowly creeping by, slowly crawling by. Slacking can be a difficult pastime too. Don’t know what to do and don’t really want to do anything. Just plain laziness.
Went to grandparents house and heard a lot of news. Some were plain mundane yet some were outrageously scandalous. Can’t really play the judge but was rather shocked by whatever I have heard. Was bewildered for a moment too baffled to accept the cold hard truth. Some people change for the good or the worse. It’s beyond human control, beyond what we can do. Externalities play an important role. Sigh…
Heard much news. Realised that I have been way too lagging and insulated from the external realm of realities. Been shrouded in too much mist. Realised that reality might not be what it seem to be. It’s too ephemeral and too vacillating. Nothing seems solid to hold on. Nothing ever remains the same. Reality is so perplexing and too fickle. Who knows what might happen in the very next moment? The more you know could actually make your world more bleak and black, more creepy and more scary, more inexplicable and more mysterious…
Unquenchable thirst for knowledge is what drives us to material success but it’s also the abhorrent bringer of pain hurt and sorrow.
Knowing everything can actually be hurtful, can be a bane, can be a burden…
wx at 9/04/2004 11:21:00 PM
Went orchard to celebrate. Didn’t bring much money out but still survived with twenty odd bucks. Ha that might be something that many people cant handle nowadays. Watched a movie at lido and saw many people and triads. Saw some familiar faces and memories came reforming in my mind. Sigh, memories can be such strange stuff…
They bought a cake. Was delicious, never tasted it before. Sort of special and out of the norm. Who say a cake must be spongy cake and cream. Ha thinking out of the box… consumerism…
Three of us shared the entire cake. Ate in front of so many strangers. They must be thinking that why are there three “toot” sharing the entire cake. We ate with our hands too. Look rather carnivorous. Had cream all over. Was fun in a bizarre way. Read their card was kind of touched. Very beautiful card too. Went to mac-café had a drink then went home. Was very satisfied. Cant wait for another outing next week with more friends.
Enough of what happened. Insurgence of such memories engulf me and was quite taken aback by it. Saw some recognizable face but didn’t say much. Didn’t know how to react too. Saw something that I rather have not. Tried lying to myself but was to avail. Self-denial was nullified by some unknown subconscious force. Couldn’t really stand the sight but had no choice. Maybe its fate or could be a sick prank. I know not of. I couldn’t muster any strength to do anything at all. I saw. I felt. I left.
Saw something that don’t want to, felt eccentric, left with a heavy heart…
wx at 9/03/2004 11:22:00 PM
The start of the end commences now. The end of prelims, the end of school, the end of …
It’s a significant turning point, a cross road that we meet. It’s the fork of the road where all paths look so apprehensive. The great unknown seem forever that tempting. The void ness seems so calming yet menacing. Maybe that’s the differences between a warrior and a commoner. One who fights the fight while the latter refuse to fight.
The prelims are over. Retrospect, realised that those days were tough and pressurising. The end might have come but is this end that you really wanted. Previously there was a aspiration or a target but now there is none. Emptiness envelops me and was thrown into an abyss. Don’t know why is there such a feeling but it just feels so peculiar. Drifting around in an unknown realm is quite a indescribable feeling.
Waved goodbye to the shades of grey and welcomed radiant copper. (if you know what I mean…) had fun looking at it. Haha…
Still waiting for some belated stuff from friends. Why is it taking that LONG? Maybe the prelims are just over? Maybe its coz they are preparing for their own prelims? Maybe they forgotten? Maybe …
Anyway sis had a new blog. Finally starting one, should link it up…Current entry seems so haphazard. Thoughts are just running around, cant keep them still… Sigh …
wx at 9/02/2004 04:07:00 PM